Roses · are · red/ · Violets · are · blue/ · Sugar · is · sweet/ · But · it · will · kill · you

I tried to sidestep a pissing match with a coworker and ended up feeling dumped on. Since I'm already not enjoying my work, getting dumped on felt par for the course. Can't say that those feelings led to it, but I did subsequently eat an entire pizza and pint of ice cream. I feel ill. I also feel embarrassed but unmoved that I ate an entire pizza and a pint of ice cream in under two hours.

Day two: lesson learned- pizza wasn't that great. And the ice cream just tasted cold. Not that great.

Moving on.

Yesterday was OK. I made sure that I had food--yummy food--on hand to eat. Ate a hard-boiled egg for breakfast, even though the thought of it made me want to gag. Ate it anyway and wasn't hungry all morning. Go, go protein!

Today I'm back at work and that makes me more likely to snack and eat junk. The Cafeteria makes excellent cookies, and I frequently partake of them. I think I will have a smoothie instead. That is still yummy and sweet but is not nearly as heinous as a cookie the size of my head.

Feeling committed to this. I will outline what it is that I'm doing sometime soon. Otherwise, I expect I will post once or twice a week.

What a freakin' drama queen. I'm rereading my posts from last year and am surprised that Days of Our Lives or General Hospital didn't phone me and offer me a job. Of course, my initial inclination was to delete or hide all of those entries; however, that would be contrary to my desire to live honestly, won't it? Tho' it is telling. I want to start fresh. Every time I think/plan/start to commit, even half-heartedly, to stopping the insanity, it has to be perfect and unmarred by my past or present, even. So, of course, as I thought of starting up a blog again with my day one effort to lose weight, I thought I would start a new blog, too. I didn't want to be associated with this one. Too much drama. Too much pain. And the fact that a year has passed and I am a year older but not one pound lighter, not anymore successful...too much failure. It hurts to write this. Some people might find failure staring them in the face to be motivating; I find it shaming. And yet, we approach noon and I sit at a coffee shop having forsaken my usual gallon-size mocha with whipped cream in favor of a medium coffee with milk. And instead of driving the two blocks (yes, I do it all the time), I walked. And instead of deleting my previous posts, I'm owning them. I guess all that is progress.

I feel better. No more nausea, tummy issues, or chills. The headache is still present. If that was withdrawal, I can understand why addicts stay addicts. Holy mother of pearl, that was awful. But you know what, I DID IT!!!!! NO SUGAR IN SIX DAYS! I don't want to make this accomplishment sound (or god forbid, be) the apex of my existence. However, I feel oddly wonderful, as if I just won a gold medal, hit the lottery, and got to make out with George Clooney.

I haven't posted because I didn't have the energy and frankly, getting through the day and doing the "must dos" was all I could manage. And I really didn't know if I could do this. What it took was getting to a point where I was suffering, but had already suffered so much that the thought of giving up, giving in and then having to start over and go through that pain again was my incentive to go on. I will not mince words: the past week has been one of the most horrendous weeks I can recall. I felt sick. I ached. My head hurt constantly (still does but to a lesser degree). My back and neck ached. No energy. No motivation. And no, none, zip, zero, zilch enjoyment of life. I have been crabby, nay, pissy all week, and have not given a flying fajita about anyone/anything.

So, now what?

It seems odd to ask that but really, now what? Sugar is working its way out of my system, I've modified my eating (it needs tweaking--I've limited myself to about 15 foods this week), I've over the initial horror of giving up the drug... so, now what do I do? Remember the first day of school as a kid? That's what this feels like. First, there's anticipation about that first day back. Then, as the day comes closer, there's some anxiety and fear. The day comes, you go to school, it's exciting and scary, you come home and realize: I have to do this again tomorrow. And again the next day. And again and again.
That's how I feel. I'm done and yet I'm not even close. I'm good at things that can be crossed off a list and are either done or not done. Those things that are in-process are harder. I want it done or I want it off my list somehow. And being sugar-free ain't like that. It's a process, it's a constant, it's a choice everyday.

Several starts but I finally did it. But I didn't think much beyond that, and that was just step one. I guess step two is to keep going. That's going to take constant practice and commitment. The last week has been about stopping a habit and way of life; now, I have to start building a new one.

TMI coming your way; you are forewarned.

The good news is that the really-bad-I-need-to-get-to-the-bathroom-now-I'm-not-kidding intestional ickiness and chills ceased, three 3 days after they began. The bad news is the headache is still with me, dull but chronic. now, today, a fun new thing: nausea.

What is this?

Thank you for the comments. I read them and so appreciate them but I'm not so great about replying. I'm proud of myself if I can spend 15 minutes posting each day.... Please know that I do appreciate your encouragement and that I'm reading your journals, too.(Kitchy, NoSugarMama, and Denny!)

It started this afternoon. Headache. Digestive issues, shall we say. Sore neck. And I'm crabby, angry and have the patience of a two-year-old. Ah, withdrawal. I feel horrible and I'm acting it. After snapping at four different people, I decided that I should not open my mouth or interact with others for the rest of the day unless I had to. Of course, I was at work, and I did have to.

I came mighty close to having a bottled frappacino. I mean, it-was-in-my-hand-and-I-was-standing-in-line-to-pay-for-it close. I got out of line, put it back and went back upstairs to my office. It was really close. In fact, I think I'm going to leave my wallet in my car from now on. That way, when temptation strikes, it would take significant and conscious effort to go out to the parking lot, get my wallet, go back in, and buy my drug. I'd have to be really desperate to do that; plus, that would give me a lot of time to have to really think about what I was about to do and time to stop.

I need to remember how gross I feel because I never want to do this again. Once this junk is out of my system, it needs to stay out or else I'm going to have to do this again. I wish I could describe how shitty I feel so that, in my moments of weakness, I could reread this and remember how bad it is to get off this stuff.

I'm at my weak point. Pain. I'm going to go to bed early (8:30p!) to be nice to myself but other than that, and the copious amounts of water I'm drinking, I suppose I just have to suck it up. And I'm not stoic, especially not with pain.

I'm reading Sugar Blues by William Duffy. Anyone else read it? Interesting tho' I find Duffy a bit overwrought.

Good night, all.

I didn't get up at 5am and go running but I also didn't buy and eat the M&M cookie that I get almost daily in my workplace's cafeteria. I did eat two apples today but I also mindlessly drank half a can of Dr. Pepper*. I didn't eat the dove chocolate candies a coworker plopped on my desk when she came over to talk to me but I really really wanted to.

Feeling ok. Not on top of the world but not in the depths of despair. I'm disappointed that today was not sugar-free but I'm proud of what I didn't do (except for not running! :-p) and that I coped.

Goal for tomorrow: wake up, feel good and not consume sugar

Hope everyone is doing well. Good night.

*I was half way finished with it before I really became aware that I was drinking it and that I really ought not to be. I'm on automatic so much of the time. I'm not very Zen, present, aware, etc.. but that's another issue.

My husband said something to me a few weeks ago that shook me. He's never really commented on my weight and has always made me feel sexy and loved and ok as is. I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me and how big a factor that is in my feeling safe and loved in our relationship. Anyway, a few weeks ago, he reluctantly admitted to me that he had noticed that I was overweight (errr, honey, you JUST noticed that??) and that he is concerned about my health. I pressed him and asked if he was embarrassed by me. He got this puzzled look on his face and said "no, never." He went on to say that he wants me around for a long life with him, and he's worried I might not be if I stay the weight I am.

It was clear, by virtue of how he told me, that he was worried about hurting my feelings. And, truth be told, I felt really ashamed hearing him say this to me. At the same time, I was relived and so grateful that, for him, this is an issue of health, not vanity. Granted, I think he'd be a happy man if his wife was hot :) but he's primarily motivated by having a wife who is in good health for many years to come. I am so fortunate and so grateful to have married such an awesome person.

His admission was a huge kick in the butt for me, as was my reading/research about pregnancy and obesity. We'd like to have a child in the next year; I'm asking for a slew of complications if I don't lose weight. At the same time, I still feel completely inept and unable to do this. "This" being modify my eating, control my eating, cope with all the cruddy emotions and physical pain that withdrawal brings, and succeed. I can lose weight. That's not my problem. For many years, I was a size 12 (which I consider thin and fit) but my eating was the same as it is now: sugar-laden and uncontrolled. The difference was that I worked out at the gym two hours a day, six days a week. When my life changed and I didn't have the time for 12 hours/week at the gym, the weight crept back on to the point where I am today (almost 80#). I don't control my eating. And it feels impossible to do so. That sounds unreasonable, I imagine, but having never controlled my eating, I don't have a template or model or recollection to help me. This is brand new territory for me and I feel completely incompetent. And destined to fail. I can't rid myself of the sense that this is a wasted effort that will fail in a few days time. I feel that way every time I try to diet, modify my eating, control my eating, etc. It's probably because I have failed so many times and have never really succeeded in this arena. I've tried visualization, I've tried acting/doing with the goal that action would change belief, I've tried positive affirmations up the yin-yang, I've probably single-handedly paid for my therapist's child to go to college, and still....

So why am I here writing this if I feel destined to fail? Because I want to change. Because I want to mother a child. Because I want to be healthier and thinner and feel better in every dimension of being.

I don't have a grand plan anymore. No system of rewards and foods on the "good" list. No timeline for weight loss with goal weights written in red ink in my calendar. Instead, I've got the non-sugar foods ready for meals, a new pair of running shoes in their box on my kitchen table, and the alarm set for 5am. I'm taking a tip from AA: one day at a time. I will wake up tomorrow and decide whether I want to act in ways that promote my life and health or in ways that are detrimental to them. And I will go from there.

My spiritual advisor once told me that complete faith requires contemplation then action then contemplation then action, etc. Because I tend to spend eons contemplating and never getting around to acting, a few years ago I started to think about contemplation as being one leg, and action as the other. You can't hop on one leg forever; you have to go back and forth.

That was random but it also summarizes how I am feeling these days. I hopping on one chubby leg of planning and contemplation and need to switch legs.

I'm not dead. I didn't quit. I'm just somewhat paralyzed and regrouping. I'll be back on or by Thursday night. I may not have an audience anymore, but that's ok since I'm writing for me anyway.

Am heading to bed because I am a) exhausted and b) don't know how else to head off a Dove-bar eating frenzy. My fears about work being a major obstacle to my sugar-free ways appear to be well founded. Today was the pits emotionally but after 12 hours at work, I'm too tired to rant about it. 600 mg motrin today to address headache pain.

Something nice that happened today: my honey sent me roses at work. It made my otherwise crappy day.

Thanks, NSM, for the naturopath idea; that had never occurred to me. I'll look into it.

I still don't know how I'll address pain. I'm a wimpy wuss and do not tolerate pain well. I'll need an answer by Friday as pain seems to come after two days of being sugar-free. Any one have an opinion about bombarding my body with motrin? Will that get me through or just make the withdrawal symptoms worse/last longer?

I'm still alive. My anger and confusion didn't send me headfirst into a free-for-all sugar binge. Surprising. In fact, besides the piece of Juicy Fruit I popped into my mouth (before thinking about it), no sugar today. Surprise number two.

A couple of thoughts: first, should I loosen the reins and allow some sugar? Second, if not, do I start over completely in a week or so as someone has suggested? Finally, what are my goals--silly or serious, tangible and ethereal?

Item one: loosen the reins? My mind automatically says 'no' to this one. If I were able to regulate my sugar intake, I wouldn't have to nix sugar altogether in the first place. No, the reason I am doing this is because I don't seem to have control over it and can't manage it.

Item two: start over? I'm trying not to be black and white in my thinking. As I wrote in my initial post, what I did yesterday, today and will do tomorrow are not so disparate. Thus, "starting over" would be in name only. I don't know that I'm articulating this idea well...at least I know what I mean. :)

Item three: goals. NoSugarMama has a bright idea to have coupons and goals. Very smart. I need more immediate and tangible goals alongside of my longer-term ones. She is a decent and compassionate person; her motivation is the welfare of others. I am not such an exemplary human being but I like her idea in general. :)
Long-term goals
1. To be healthier and avoid diabetes
2. To be thinner
3. To be healthy and stay around for a long life with my husband
4. To limit my health risks related to pregnancy so we can start a family (once we're ready!)
5. To not feel out of control
6. To not feel sick
7. To not think about food/sugar/weight all the live-long day
My immediate goal is to decrease my sugar intake to zero and sustain that for the rest of July (6th-31st: 25 days). Upon completion, I get a massage. Lovely. And I'll reassess at that time.

I'm back on board. Thank you for the comments, ideas and encouragement. I tend to go at things alone so I'm new to the idea of support. Sounds lame but 'tis true! Good night and unsweet but pleasant dreams to all.

Yesterday may have been easy street but today stinks. Physically, I feel lousy. Aching back and neck and a headache. I dread headaches because I get migraines and can't always tell what's a tension headache and what's the start of a migraine. I don't want to take migraine meds unless I must so sometimes I wait too long and end up barfing in the bathroom and wishing for death. Anyway, I'm crabby and don't feel like mincing words or watching my language. I feel cruddy, and crabby and want to yell at someone. I want ice cream or a malt, yes that's it, I want a hot fudge malt, and some junky fattening chicken mcnuggets. And I want them now. Now. I don't want to be unsweet anymore. The fear of Diabetes doesn't seem to come close to my desire for junk right now. And the fact that my body and health is a secondary concern to me is why I must carry on. And yet, I'm not convinced that I will.

I went to the kitchen to see what else I could scavenge to feed the need. Graham crackers with all-natural (no sugar) peanut butter. Sounded good. Then I wonder if there's sugar in the grahams; I check the label. Yes, eight grams from the high fructose corn syrup which is listed as ingredient number four. Poo! Sadly, this is a double-lesson: first, clearly my parents wasted their money on my Ivy-league education if I don't know automatically that "HONEY Grahams" contain sugar (duh); and two, sugar is in freaking everything. Typically, I'm not going to be so anal about not eating foods that contain sugar but on days like today, I fear that a few honey grahams will just make my craving worse. Any ideas or advice out there?

In sum, I am crabby. I feel poorly. And this bites.

After posting, I realized that I've been biting my nails all morning. It's another one of my many bad habits; it's also an indicator of how anxious I'm feeling. Again, it's going to be a long long day.

Twelve hours after declaring this to be East Street, I woke up thinking, no, fixating on an iced mocha. That was my first thought of the day, and despite several hours attempting to distract my mind from it, it persists. I have a long long day ahead of me, and I'm not feeling terribly strong.

The good news is that I logged in and there was a comment from Denny. Yay, encouragement! Thank you. You were just in time. :)

Just wait. This will come back 'round and bite me in the butt in a few days but...it's day three and by some miracle, I'm not dead nor homicidal nor chewing off my right arm because I can't have sugar. Now, in all fairness, it's day three but day two was not so stellar so, really, it's day one again. Still, the point is that I thought this was going to be awful and really, I'm pretty ok. That's not to say I don't have cravings but I seem to feel like I have more power than the cravings do. It usually doesn't feel that way. Usually the craving leads to anxiety that builds until its release through eating (or bingeing). I would like some ice cream or candy right now; if I had some in the house, I can't say that I wouldn't eat it. But I don't have any here, and my anxiety and craving and motivation to go to the store isn't present.

Still, I was reading nosugarmama's blog, and she makes a good point: right now it's novel, I'm focused, and this is what I'm concentrating on doing. In three weeks, or three months, it's not going to be new and I'm not likely to be (able to be) this intent on being un-sweet. I'm not at work for the next few days, and I'm thinking and planning around my unsweet ways. I can't devote that time and brain power to this forever. And, as I said, being at work on Thursday will be the real test. My job is fine (not ideal) but stressful and a few of my coworkers (the ones I have to interface with most often) are a bit batty. I find that I eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat all day. These last few days, I've been busy and my times been my own. That's not always true.

I guess this is all to say that while I'm pleased that today went well with no unbearable cravings or physical maladies (I fear headaches!!), I am aware that I'm not out of the woods. And work seems like a big hurdle to jump. If I can figure out how to cope there and not turn to food in general, sugar in particular, I will be doing well. However, that's a big "if."

Wow, even writing about work made my craving for chocolate intensify. That's sick. Typing that last paragraph, the thought that entered my mind was "Let's go ahead and post this and go to the store."

No. No. NO!

Work is going to be the toughy for me. More on that tomorrow. And no, I'm not signing off so I can be off to the store for chocolate. :)